I exploded on Wednesday.
Everything just came out!
It really wasn't his fault , everyone else was also making noise , but i needed to take it out on someone.
Sorry.
I pretty much shocked myself when i screamed at him, screams not a good word , roar was more like it, i never knew i was that terrifying, and after that i felt crappy again, to make things worse we had our 2.4 run after that, was already not feeling well , adding on the fact that i didn't eat lunch. Ran a lousy run, well that's what happens when you have all these factors weighing in on you , not to mention that "it" was there.
The night before , i took more than an hour and still i had not completed differentiation (13) , i didn't know which was shittier , the worksheet or me.
I took so darn long , and i knew it was because i wasn't focus , and i just could not seem to compel myself to do so.
There was just so much pushing and churning around inside my head , and it wasn't until Thursday that i just let everything out.
She was symphatetic enough to just listen , but i felt that i was not doing my part....
Straight after that i went for tuition , had to deal with the issue , shrinking down my sessions to once a week, she made a lot of noise about it , real noises though, a lot of the things she tried to stuff down my throat was true...what with me not focusing and taking forever to do simple shit.
Basically I'm excruciatingly crappy.

There is so much more i want out of myself , and yet so little I'm getting.
I spent a hell lot of time comparing myself to others...which I've never done before.
I don't understand whats happening to me

Beginning to understand what it means to be a loser.
A fucking loser

Labels: i would ask him why i am the way i am

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